troubledtroubadour

end of an era...

2010-12-01T10:21:00.001-08:00

tonight... its not about the departed... the ones who farted.. the ones who lived/died... the moments that lied... its about the song that dont remain... the same and it does pain... to know tomorrow the black heart sun... will no longer know the one... who once was the one within and not without... the end of an era beyond the shadow of a doubt... :(

Life has flipped, tripped and fallen I have in an abyss, and nope it aint sadness/grief/remorse that has befallen my pedantic state.. its just that things have changed and people around me have changed to and they changed far too much for me to catch up...
does it matter? its a pertinent question for what has befallen is not a recondite, and infallible yet reprehensible memory that i cant repress... its just that the ones close 2 me are far away... and yet i feel i could be the one responsible... but yet i could be the one without... so what am i losing out on? Company? Gossip? A chance to network? Naah.. am losing on a brady bunch i called my own... people have moved... there have been weddings/departures changes... some elevated to thrones they dont look down from some fallen far 2 deep in the crests of failures they cant look up from... so is my failure reproaching me from approaching the ones i trusted?
OR is it just a mere coincidence that my moments of fortitude and goodwill amongst those i loved was just a mere coincidental fallacy that was so well amalgamated with my will to be happy... and now that sadness has engulfed my being, i find myself alone... and not so sure whether my happiness was but a dream or just a mere conjured image of a happy me that will never be... or are these just emotions than any drunk unsure soul shall be filled with when not called/waited/fed... or are these unfulfilled desires to be the part of whats lost? I do feel lost somewhat... but tomorrow the rum wont remain and the gumm within shall disappear...

dont drink and drive...

2010-10-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

Its an inglorious adventure... a fools errand... an attempt at the impossible... I ahve been foolhardy forthright... i have tried all in my might... but you, you are but a statuette... cast in shimmering gold... ur heart not be beseeched by all i have unerringly told... my life is incomplete... a sonnet that has no verse... a misty mighty pause... yet I know... I know that its an uncouthed yearning for an unviable end... its a heart that beats a bit 2 fast... knowing the moment wont last... knowing that the few moments spent with you shall have to last a life for you got no time for a no good nobody that I am... just a blur in your everyday... a speck in the dust you wipe of your feet... but here i am writng what was to be a prose is yet not a poem wnt be nothing more than a tore down unseen unread attempt at finding meaning of my ever non existant meaningless life... i still search for your presence in my dreams, not that i don’t dream of you but yet there are dreams in which I am dying you see... and i wish to see you sitting next 2 me... but I have to incept what fails to exist... for i am a dreamer and as i am writing this from me 2 u i know this will never reach its end or to the person its intended for... i know no reason as to why you should or I can have you read it out... but yet i go on in the middle of the night harping away on a notion a whim and a fancy... hoping you notice I am awake...

good evenin.. n good night...

2010-02-13T12:23:00.000-08:00

with the end of dawn and break of light... with a heave and a ho and a last fight...

a drink and 2... and a shot for me and u...

and u go tipsy and I cant feel my feet... and then we donno where the cars down the street...

and i cant drive neither can u... hell theres so much we ought not 2 do...

but u temme its good and drunks just a state... getting homes urgent we're getting late...

so i try the ignition hell i cant get the door... u slide on the seat i can hear u snore...

damn this road homes a bit 2 far... i cant feel my hands let alone the car...

next to the car is a tree... and u aint next 2 me...

for the windshield did shatter... when u fell in a clatter...

on the road no less... ur brains in a mess...

splattered on the road it lies... i cant hear my own cries...

cant feel my legs or my hands... halted next to the tree the car stands...

i can see me too... I sit where I should next to you...

slouched on the steering in red and grey... not the ideal end to a perfect day...

ur brains a mess and my red drips on by... just the way we wanted... together we die...

and just a drink that dint end up right... heres wishing u good evening and good night..

13 hours...

2009-12-18T18:35:00.001-08:00

It was 13 hours later that he realized the difference a boundary can make, it took him 13 long agonizing hours to surmise why the sun wasnt there... in all but 13 hours life took a new turn... a new beginning was ushered in from a door that was left slightly ajar, only for the air to flow in so that he could breathe once in a while... but then again, opportunities do seek you at times, mishaps seek appointments and keep them, this was one of those times, when the deprived and maligned nothing of a soul was to be wrenched of the last iota of ether inside would be squeezed out. And yet he smiled knowing that the desiccation and destruction is nothing but his own doing, he knew it was coming he was just 13 hours late thats all...

And then tuesday was gone... with the wind, ridin with the wild horses, up a stairway to heaven, with the sky turning yellow... and he stood there... comfortably numb...

ibid: he was a dreamer... who dreamt on too long... and he knew u shud never love a song... for the transience of words hurt you too bad... they leave u trying to grip/what you never had...

2009-11-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

the truths heard and am on my way...

stand outside theres one thing left to say...

then again...some other day... some other day...

cuse tonight... aint about the hand that rocks...

its the glass that talks...

the lights goin...n so do u... go away...

my whites dying... i turn to grey...

but then again... i see u fading...

anticipating...

u'll go away... away.. into the night...

fading light...

i walk tonight... alone again... just a glass in hand...

alone i stand...

it never was that u were here anyway.....

so why the helll... wud u even... staaaay!!!!

so as i sing the bar does close the last order he says...

does he know deep inside theres a soul that prays...

act is done... jester stops

gibberish... iltutmish... chinar... qutub minar...

2009-11-04T08:04:00.000-08:00

One cant help but compare... au contraire one has to compare... for ur fallacies and mistakes and the comparisons with absolute perfections is whats supposed to bring you up...that is what is supposed to egg you on... I used to rhyme it all once upon a time... this was my way of filling in the void left by my not so perfect schooling. I aint a convent educated someone who can be verbose at the drop of a hat and end up speaking at hours together in a language that has been by far alien to me for long... so i would add my own lines to fill in the gaps left by my inadequacy of words... words that were always around somewhere... lines that made the person sitting in front wonder is he making sense? hence... the comeuppance... today I am no longer the rhymer i once was... i am back to my stammering self... unsure to say the least at times... and whats brought this along? absent song... absent words... absence fills to much of my everyday now... I wish I would do something about it... I wish there was no crossroads... I wish there was just a fork in the road and I knew which road to take... I wish I was walking not crawling... running not falling... stymied and confused I stare at what life has thrown... the problems unknown, uncouth is my mere attempt at it... and I will not make it through... and that aint new... I think that is whats in store... so I would pie some more...

pie some more...

2009-11-03T06:42:00.000-08:00

Why dont blog write on their own... why do I have to take the trouble of filling pages with diatribe that is far too non consequential for the world to pay any heed to. And mind you all that I am writing bears no significance to any individual or occurrence, and if it so happens that it does, in that case it is merely the writers attempt at obviating the realism in life itself.

Not so long ago I was alive, not so long ago I used to dream, not so long ago I used to write, not so long ago I wasn't employed. And now that I am, my creativity is best expressed in the not so often contrite abuses I pile upon my boss/co-workers/partners, the choicest of words and expressions usually best put in hindi or my mother tongue punjabi fills up my creative void. And that seems to be the order of the day for most of those around, and it so seemed till I came across you, you you you, you fill me with the will to express be more than what I am. The mere smile you so seldom chose to smile upon us mortals gives me strength to go on, to drag my ass to office, to make each day worth living. And yet you are so so far away from me, the mere mention of your name makes me long for u, makes me wish you were around. And then not so far away I have this ridiculous piece of shit barfing in my face, taking my thoughts to a new parallel, but yet I long to see you again.

What is passion, I have this friend who has discovered what we call a "Calling" in life, (well why beat around the bush), Saahil happens to now know what he always was searching for. TFI it seems is the answer to all he was searching for, ubiquity, balance, goal, a reason... there is something besides tix that brings a smile to his face. Call it fate by design or chance, but one thing leading to another has seen him land up with TFI. Rest is fait accompli, every sentence he speaks, every conversation we have is laced with teachings, with innuendos, even the anecdotes revolve around his experiences... he does not now look at the world the way we see it... or maybe I am just exaggerating, but things have changed in his neck of the woods.

But still what is passion, and where does my calling lie? Does it lie in a simple piece of pie? The pie I so sinfully washed down my throat with a coffee? Or does it lie in the coffee the innumerable cups of which I have gulped down everyday? The answer is far too confusing than the question was... for the answer aint just blowing in the wind anymore, it aint in the fast fast fast river (this is an innuendo that seems far too out of place but what the heck who is reading this anyway), the answer is an arcane quest, it would someday become a series of blog entries that might just result in a ridiculous book I might just publish and rake in some dough. Some chick once told me that I was too good with questions but I aint no good at answering them myself, well part of it is true and which one I now know.

U know what, someday I would do the moonwalk, play next to (or in a more sophisticated undertone "jam with") eric clapton and mark knopfler, learn to get over stuff, die on my 50th birthday, write a book, give up on coffee... see you smile... till that day... never say forever again...

2009-08-03T10:28:00.001-07:00

3rd...

2009-06-30T11:58:00.001-07:00

At times u say stuff n later on u regret it... n then there are times in the spur of the moment u say smthin n the next moment u forget it... i hate the latter... cuse at times... n especially those when the minds at a momentary high... when senses r numb...the world goes by slow... the thoughts that u taught urself are so clear and so distinct from each other... when every word is worth its weight in gold and manifold... these are times when deliriums a moment away and the moment seems so momentary so ephemeral and u dnt want it 2 last... for delirium is the ubiquitous existence the panacea u r chasing its ur goal yet this moment is when u have the worlds attention... so what do u do.. the next swigs ur undoing but thats wat u r doing... sinking... blabbering... u r the worthless drunkard at some watering hole... lying in ur own incongruous meelie of words u dnt understand... what made the crowds heads turn u dnt remember... ur minute of fames long gone... what stares u now are questioning eyes.. unsure of ur next move... the crowd thins away... ur floating now... the words seem a long distant dream... the moment so ephemeral...so effervescent burst like a bubble... the time crushed like a scooby snack... time for a coffee... :)

Valedic...

2009-06-30T11:23:00.001-07:00

I have this notion... that someday... i would get up and walk out... and when i say walk out i intend to say that I would walk out on everything around me... people... friends... colleagues... everyone... and start a new life. It is quite often misrepresented in flicks where u start a new life and ur past catches up with u,.. with me it wont... it would be complete disassociation and detachment from all I know... and why?? I donno... maybe its because of the way 2day was... maybe its because I have realised and come 2 terms with the bitter truth that is... that the one strand of imagination i had emancipated... and kept hoping for and kept alive is not done for... this one glimmer of hope to have things work out differently has died... so maybe... in a new life it would be better... maybe I would be less of a nobody when I reappear... maybe I dont give a fuck to the fact that this is being read or not... maybe I would be a valedictorian at oxford... and the next thing u know I am all over 100 dollar bills somewhere... maybe its all a farce, the very fact that I write it here right now is for someone to read and ask me as to what is wrong or what the hell this means, or maybe we are all that ways... all bound by the world, strained in our thoughts, mindless in our actions, and confused in our lives... we are but the offspring of one human alone... the guy who started it all... so we are after all linked in one common strand... the strand of revival... for he 2 realised that he needs to wake up someday somewhere else with it all left behind... with a new start and a new morning and a new hope... maybe that day is tomorrow... maybe it is just the time i would be woken up from my sleep at 5 am in the morning jolted into a bus ride to a place dark and gloomy sitting next to a ghost and then cut off from it all thrown into a jungle unknown coming to grips with my decision of going through it all only to find myself struggling with life once again in a world where truth is just a misrepresentation of all the lies you cant carry anymore... maybe i was better of the nobody i was and not the valedictorian I am...

As Is

2009-06-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

Life is as is... as will be... as was... as should be....
moments are as gone... as were... as spent... as done...
this time is..one tide... one breeze... waits for none...
I am as was... as am... as free...
Ended up doing an As is analysis of a fucked up juiced out squeezed tight business we are trying to envisage and run in a dying market with zilch investment and maxed out effort... its a race against time... a worthless and endless grime, a grave we dig two inches deep everyday trying to fit in more people... I do see the light in the day (n yes not night... cuse we are blinded in the day neways)... i do see we are wrong... and as a pea at the bottom of all of the queens mattresses i do try and make my point... do give them folks up above an itch once in a while that the picture aint rosy... and get out while the time is right. But then there is an escalation of commitment we all live with... my friends are going through it with marriages... some with their girlfriends... and businesses these days with rigid commitments that are far 2 much cast in stone for anyones good. Flexibility is what smaller organizations thrive on... and on what airtel sneezes and gives a flu to. We are all about the moolah... all on paper... none to see... if u make it cool... ur luck but on paper the case should predict a story all would like to hear, I aint a cynic, nor am i too old in the system 2 be critical of it... but from what I have seen its all about boss is right cover ur ass and run. So all I am looking for is 2 exit stage left before the fat lady sings, my paycheck takes a hit and the recruiters give me crap... so if my boss is reading yes i am planning 2 exit...If a consultants reading I am with Airtel for the last 2 years... and if its u my friend then is there an opening in ur parta town??? cuse life is as is... is shit... where i sit... am hit... :)

a little while later...

2009-05-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

I stare at three drafts... three unfinished tales looking at me as i go through the posts...three wonderous incoherent pieces of utter nonsense staring at me... but then again... they are yesterday... and today if i leave this as such it will be the draft left open yesterday... so why dont i just let this be the one post that wasnt meant to impress a reader glancing through blogs of note... why not let this be not a meaningless free writing that will be unjumbled in some saner moment in time... why try and give this a meaning that means nothing to the world around... why hope that this be the breakthrough the world awaits... for a little while later when the fingers are numb... the mind unsure of the chain of thot it was at the moment an insignificant passing whiff of breeze blowing by it wont matter... it would just be another draft like the many left behind... who cares, where does this all count... the world is too busy making its own plans... I am myself 2 busy pressing the self destruct button everyday... so why wake up tomorrow in a hope that this would have made a difference yesterday... who has the time 2 see the difference being made... is difference not as transient as life itself that observed in that frame of reference as life... both look the same... the inherent transience of life so very much a part of the change itself that it all looks the same at the end of the day. Akin to an amalgam life is entrenched in its own changing self that there is nothing discernable any more... life is change change is life... deprived of sleep impalled by the hope and despair of the inability to see what things have become a little while later from where it was originally thought of... this has become a diatribe in itself... an effort 2 make sense gone waste... an effort to let things be made a mess of... I guess i should be sleeping... and this shall remain but a draft...

the ticker...

2009-03-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

The ticker tape on newscasts amazes me... ever since my english teacher during the MBA coaching days introduced the term I have been dazed by the phenomenon that a ticker tape is... from the "Sansanni" to the "Breaking News" to the latest score updates and what not... but what would actually blow the lid of imagination and make the ticker truly fantastic would be a tape running infront of an individual...highlighting what alls happening how the day has been what the mood is like... not a mind reader per se...but a day journal... eliminating the need to converse and get into banalities such as a wassup... for it elludes nothng more than a nothing much or a rude whatever... so well... my point is when you are driving and someone honks you knowing fully well that theres no place upfront and you so very much wanna give him the finger poof goes the ticker conveying what you think in the rear glass or on the bumper... when you so very much wanna start a meaningful conversation that involves more than the usual my day in the office was crappy... you look below read what you think can be of use like "the movie juno was good" and you hve a conversation starter...
so well now that this is done... heres a fun fact... think of a chicks name... what does it end with? does it end with a vowel??? chances are it does... according to an analysis done by two very close friends of mine (we actually thought of doing our research project on this :P ) 90% of females names end with a vowel... and those that dont are either a. exceptions or b. can be substiuted for a guys name as well or c. are that of a sikh female... (try it... )
and back to the ticker... why did i think of it??? well i am a chat enthusiast... well the chat bubble in the real world burst about 2-3 years ago... but well thats when i got hooked to it... thats when i started chatting with People... so well I guess I will take time to get over it... so til i do I wanna have conversation starters that are better then a wassup... or a hey u there??? or an unquotable abuse for that matter...so i devised a mood reader... but the use is limited and works very rarely... so hence therefor the ticker... I have a patent filed for it... till it happens the things a top secret and in the meanwhile...wassup??? :D

2009-03-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

1 AM... Friday...
Dear Diary...

I am figuring out the best possible line to be put on my tombstone...even though i know i will become a burning cinder rather than an Armani Clad casket carried someone buried in a grave with a tombstone in the shape of a guitar to represent my one only dying wish to actually be able to play one (how i would love to be buried!!! sigh)...yet I must figure out what it says.. for it matters to me alot as to how I go and what i am remembered by when I am gone... Oh but I have messed up and influenced far too many a life to not be remembered as such... but then again what the tombstone says becomes a fashion (A dying one at that) statement... so lets... make this happen... make the dead me look good... atleast better than the undead one.. The options:

1. Hey open up man... been locked too long...
2. dude if u come one step closer to read... its gonna hurt...
3. *they suck because the ones i have been working on since morning are lost somewhere in the gray area of my head... w=
4. Am sleepy!!! go away...
5. Are those flowers??? Can i get some seeds please...

And since i am drowsy right now i will close this for now to edit it later...

cheers... to coffee..

2009-02-19T23:01:00.001-08:00

Delirium has its own way... it sets in and sets you up... you are sucked into an incongruous and inescapable feeling of floating in some spatial discontinuity... your minds numbed your souls free...thoughts are so clear and yet unthinkably you are confused about the pertinence of these very fragments serendipitous and inconceivable cognition thats a result of a well thought out path to destroy the very core of id that has kept you alive till date... so you drift away into a cocooned existence... back to the world where nothing meets the bourgeois existence you so very much are used to... so what do you do... you wish to be back again... you brew another cup and drink up... and float again...for caffeine aint an addiction... its a way of life...

Weekmend...

2009-02-08T09:07:00.000-08:00

I need something to do over the weekend... for far 2 long i have been planning stuff out and seeing it not mature... heard people tell me it aint possible or what not... and very rarely does it so happen that theres some stray call thats akin to a coffee invite... so well i need an indulgence... and after long debate and discussion within... i have zeroed in on the following options... now there was a lot of debate and deliberation and many an argument to get here... now what follows is not to be ignored or not paid attention to... this demands attention and opinon... so the options thus are...

1. Guitar... have tried my hand at it... and i suck at it... cuse it needs patience... co-ordination and a sense of music... not i have them all but none quite enough to get my act right... had i given it more time and effort when i had the time... i cudda been good... but its never too late for nothing...

2. Dance... this is the one thing that has till now let me down... i might win the intra seth dance off... but nothing beyond... at wedding and all i end up being the guy who tells the dj what to play or getting the drinks and all... and about time i steped up to the floor with a purpose rather than a slouched nothing of an effort...

3. Swim.. I aint heading to the beach anytime soon... and this aint something that will keep me busy for the better part of the weekend but atleast i would finally get beyond drowning... which sucks ass... and is certainly not good enough to look at... you flap ur arms like a moron...make tons of effort to sink like a stone... how bad is that???

4. Bike... Now i dont have one in gurgaon.. and neither i the kinds who would drive to leh on whim and a prayer... but i love the fellng of sitting on a saddle wiht the breeze hitting my face (through the helmet ofcourse)... and going places... someplace or the other....again this is not somthing i gould do every weekend... but once or twice a month a drive would feel good...

5. Social work... now i feel compelled to do somehitng from time to time about the world beyond... but thats just a feeling that fades... if only i could make this a sustainable flame.. a self fuelling thing then it might just be the answer... till then i wud seek somethign else...

6... planning.. i might just plan what to do next weekend... cuse there is always whole lot of nothing to do with whole lot of nobodies around me... till then i will weekmend...

On of those days...

2009-01-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

Had a terrible day today... nothing to do with the vagaries of work or the lack of them... nothing to do with friends or people around or the knack of them... nothing to do with anyone... but more to do with me and me alone... I donno what snapped, which side of the cot i got off... or was it the rather too early dose of floyd... or maybe it was me undoing myself by simply drifting down the road not travelled anymore... or maybe it was just one of those days... For i woke up with a start... a start so rattled and bummed that it could only have resulted post the haunting dream that plagues me far too many times... i tend to revisit some certain events/occurances/misdemeanours alot... and that too in my dreams only... maybe somewhere at the back of my mind theres still some silent regret at being a lunatic loser a summer gone by... or maybe its just my current disposition where i stand down an alley too dark... too miasmic... groping for a a grip... or maybe am up somewhere alone orbitting like some satelite stationed at a point looking down the mess i created in my life... but then again... maybe its just me expecting too much from people i know too little of... or maybe...its life itself...which i know nothing of...

best sng in a while...

2009-01-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

Wrestler!! hail the boss!!

Have you ever seen a one trick pony in the field so happy and free?
If you've ever seen a one trick pony then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-legged dove making his way down the street?
If you've ever seen a one-legged dove then you've seen me

Then you've seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you've seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

Have you ever seen a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and wheat?
If you've ever seen that scarecrow then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a one-armed man punching at nothing but the breeze?
If you've ever seen a one-armed man then you've seen me

Then you've seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you've seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you've seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

These things that have comforted me, I drive away
This place that is my home I cannot stay
My only faith's in the broken bones and bruises I display

Have you ever seen a one-legged man trying to dance his way free?
If you've ever seen a one-legged man then you've seen me

poka yoke... the art of mistake proofing...

2008-12-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

We learn from mistakes wen we want 2... we ignore them when the need arises... look beyond them in a self sufficing blinded belief of being right... the righteous wrongs we do in the course of normal life far outweigh the correct course that we ought to have taken... we are in a ephemeral search to be someone we so long crave... and we are indifferent to the world insataible in desire... and then when the world ends when the goals there when life comes calling here you are where you wannabe... and you dnt know what to do about it...
My blog is rarely about people, rarely is someone other then me a part of it... but when i see them 2 sitting in front of me jostling it out independent of ego and still managing to psyche each other out no end... it really endears me... for them 2 mean alot... i mean I used 2 idiolise them at a point in time till my own ideals were shaken but seeing them still there warms me up... :)
I aint the kinds who would learn... i never can never will.. I am habitual of finding ditches where none exist and I am still further capable of tripping my own ass into it... i cheat myself into falling in...and then theres the tale of unrequited nothings that i go through... or subject myself 2... I ended another such chapter... and a very banal maraudic end at that.. I kept searching for an anticlimax... and it ended with the deletion of the gtalk id... which was like a ridiculous misdemeanour at the part of fate itself and I am not thinking of altering the past in any way... so well i will let life be again... and sort itself out!!!
so well here goes a nothing post... sort life out... make it work... or rather get a life... dont be the loser u have been for long...

disjointed...

2008-11-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

When its all over and done...
will u stand next 2 ur grave and contemplate...
was this the right chosing of fate...
was this the way u wanted 2 live...
a few bangs a few body bags...
some soul lying on the streets...
will ur bullet pierce my brow, or will it go in between...
is this the life u have seen...
its not your chosing nor mine...
in the end who cares whose fine?
someones religion someone elses belief...
one mans fire one nations grief...

this is not the end you and I know...
who knows which way this time the zephyr will blow...
or will it be a tempest who knows...
whose house it destroys when it blows...
for we come to blows for reason we dint decide...
ur faith and my fate belied...
someone will shed a tear when i die...
in some obscure corner of ur jannat u will lie...
with the promised loot of hoors at ur call...
so who was it who ordered to kill em all???

is he there? with u to enjoy his share...
or is he down below and doesnt care...
for he has but one aim thats anarchy and bloodshed...
he has left... u n I both dead...
one by a bullet one by destinies chosing...
its not a battle we are losing...
but a belief in life itself we have given up on...
so who will cry when you are gone???
or will they bury u again and again till the earth stops spitting you out...
for no spittoon shall bear u nor will a grave...
and u wish allah forgave...
he cant for he too never preached...
the road u have beseeched...

generating gap...

2008-11-28T12:17:00.000-08:00

Me and my hommies... we always feel as if we are getting older...faster then it ought 2 be... we are as they say.. not in sync or in touch with the younger uns out there...n wat they actually do mean is that wen they are roaming out there on the streets seeing them guys with crazy hairdo's the kinds where there is no partition just spikes or rather long strands covering faces... and shirts that aint tucked in and sneakers that are a size or 2 too big... they feel outta place and so do i... remember bond ordering a martini with watever inside n everyone on the table asking for that in casino royale??? i felt that ways 2 wen this kid no older than 10 walked into the salon with his dad in tow...looking at the barber...tellin him stuff u hear of in vogue... he went: bhaiyaa since i have a square face this cut with this thing will do and since my hair are light i will have crimping (watever that is...i thot its gotta do with lan cabeling) done... n his dads like watever he says just do it... n then he explains 2 his dad wat he meant... n i look at myself n feel my hair...they seem light...n i ask for a crimping 2!!! which i am told wnt look good... n i 2 am like watever...!!! so is this kid a new gen right outta the box thing or is he being fed a diff info then we are?? :|
so is this a gap in itself or is it just some bridge that exists which we never wud infact cross???

n nw as of this moment and in the state i am in... i have a confession 2 make...which... i guess... shud n wud wait for a long long time...

shhh... this is a secret...

2008-11-13T10:19:00.000-08:00

everyone has their own personal lives... seriously... and they all have the right 2 live it the way they chose... and ur presence absence or pretense has no forbearing on the merest of outcomes or on the way their days progress they are just so bound by their indulgences elsewhere that u r a mere speck and a speck alone which would at times be of assistance or at max a reconnaissance into their messed up lives... and no dont u for once think that this trivial indulgence or a brief interlude into the high and the mighty or rather the banal affliction with the untouched and far away's will be in any ways an indication of an entry into the yet uncharted territory... it is but a breeze that shall blow and die down unless u want to harness it to become the tempest in ur life and make a difference to ur existence which in any case will be independent of the other person in questions being. For u r a speck a mere speck thats there for no reason... but for just a fairly short season, u shall be wiped of like a fading smile... like the night that will give way to the day... like the tomorrow shall erase today, so dont u smile hoping it met something big... it was just a dig u had at ur own life... at ur own expense... so well let the breeze blow past, play ur hand and forget it all.. for u are but a speck who never mattered... but shhhhh... its a secret...

who the hell cares...

2008-11-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

Its way to easy 2 say and way 2 tuff 2 do... i mean i might be all chirpy about the jobless state i am at airtel... but passing those 8 hours in office with not a whiff of food on my plate and a pretention to keep is not easy... i mean had i been one amongst many with nothing 2 do it would still have been easier, but that sure aint the case... people around me look at me with questioning eyes... pointing fingers at my usual ideal disposition... and that sucks.. i mean i dint chose this for me, this place dont give you many choices and times are rather strange, they say its a correction!!! they say the markets are adjusting, i have just this one question... if people are losing money then who's getting it all.. for money never disappears does it???
Am i here for the lack of initiative? Maybe... for i have dreamt of preparing a CV, waking up only 2 realise that no pixies came in the night to do that for me...and i have dreamt of waking up fitter and slimmer only 2 realise that its easier to quit something then try and stick to it...(gymming for the unitiated)... so thus does it make me a non self initiator sit on your ass nincompoop or am I one amongst so many of you but without the luck 2 boot???
People confuse me... they are sweet this one moment and casually indifferent the next... so are they merely taking advantage of my graciously generous disposition or am i just assuming that friends is a word we usually utter as a nonchalant fix 2 an irritable requirement that can be satisfied only by accompaniment or favor...
Should i digress from this chain of thought which in itself is a digression from the thought with which i started 2 write?? Or should i rather drive into the night which is like a suppressed thought for the mere inaction of my 2 roommates who seem 2 like to lie flat at the mere mention of the word weekend.. or are rather 2 busy with their own coherent lives and i lie down like my usual self on a friday thinking of what it idealy should have been and am weighing the what if's and what not's and then debating about the why that always sticks around...
Why do i end up getting kicked in the butt for every fault of mine... and why do i fall for the last available thing who walked??? I mean i know my existence as this human embodiment sucks and my cribbing is not reaching gods ears n all... but still hey dude!!! why sing a sad song and make the batter... tasteless!!! for i know this walking talking thing is far away reality... i mean not the right thing to mention here... but hell who cares... i aint taking no names... and back off!!! theres never a name... theres only a beleif...a beleif that the brew tomorrow would be just as strong.. that when i sip that coffee i shall not think of this or that... and be transported someplace else!!! for life is someplace else.. this is just a sham that aint ending,.. this is me asking myself, questioning my own existence and planning my own demise, and dying by the moment... only hoping to see some thing smile... so well heres it...theress now...

where the hell...

2008-10-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

I hereby proclaim that its all the same...
whether u leave or stay, whether its tonight or today...
I aint bothering no more, if u leave at four...
or whether u dead or alive... or if its at five...
but kindly bolt the door behind, if u dont mind...
for am cold and rather numb, say what sounds dumb...
nay it wont try pinch, wont wince an inch...
see i pierced this nail inside, and never cried...
and yeah could u pour me a drink before u exit, nay aint talkin shit...
and yeah also take the trash on ur way out, wud like if u rather not shout...
the dogs asleep, and so am I, so well goodbye...
to u and all those around, hope i aint found...
the knife hurt the nail did not, giving up was the last option i got...
goin under underground still, see u six feet under some hill...
or some sky high, see ya sometime when u die...

Care for cake?

2008-10-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

Many try... few can do... have their cake... and eat it too...

This quote confused me, the foodie that i am, as a kid i used 2 think that by not having the entire cake on my birthday i was not living the quote, and by having someone else share of the pie i was depriving that individual of a quintessential law proposed by nature, but then as i grew old... and learnt the ways of the world i realised, its beyond a pie eating thing, its about survival...its about taking what you desire and may not deserve, its about looking into plates and pallets of others and picking whatever grub drops of so as 2 feed a starving life... The once fulfilling tangible cake is now a plethora of things and emotions. Everyone feels deprived with their buckets full or empty, they all feel theres something amiss... terribly so... that the central spoke of their wheel of life is missing or is it??? Is it just a wordplay 2 rise above the worldplay, are we all desirous of every possible and available tangible or intangible thing thats there, is contentment just a catch phrase to throw around in parties to appease the demi gods and gurus who in their own world are so empty inside that they are out seeking peace in the pieces of life they are alone in. Are we all so very much focused towards fulfilling lifes goals and ambitions which again are offshoots of seeds planted by a parent or a friend, and as an independent thinking entity you would rather be immersed in something you feel god had desired of u...
Is our hunger ever satisfied...are we ever satiated... is our pie so bloody small that having eaten it till the last grub we are desperate to finish someone else's share, or do we feel so deprived thinking that our flavour wasnt good enough??? As kids it was all too simplistic... vanilla was the only ice cream flavour... pineapple was the only cake... and now vanilla is ewwwww... pineapple is oh puhleease... so has the flavor gone bad or are the new ones so alluring... wrong on both counts... a blind test will show that its just that the value associated with the banal basic stuff is reducing...we need invigoration's we are slave 2 a change.. or are we changing to a slave... in any case we are drifting into modalities and changes with lifestlye that far exceed our realm of experience... wy should human race be so blinded to catch up to a future they themselves havent aspired or dreamt for, why not let the tastes be and taste what exists, we are going beyond ourselves, crossing frontiers, getting into someone else's space, for once... let the animals be... let other life be... ur not the only one on this planet, try and understand theres an ecology we have to support... look beyond ur cake and someone elses for once... look at the baker and how poor he is... he is done baking for u... he had fed u alot... about time u noticed that u r drifting into the realm of a world u dnt understand, dnt be a slave of ur own device... rise up!!! eat the cake and taste it too!!!

everybody says i am fine...

2008-10-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

Amongst the most inconclusive researches made... the one that stands out is the limit research... and this takes us back 2 the subject of drinking... so as u might have guessed the limit we or rather i am going to talk about is the limit 2 the number of drinks one can have... or should have... the stages one goes through, and when it is that one has peaked and one drop can lead 2 the once thought improbable, for i have been there done that and had made fun of... so this is for all u out there, this is to tell u what not 2 do... or how not to do it...!!!

... Never and this is the goldenest rule of them all... never chat up with the waiter, never get pally... cuse then once u r getting high u wud know whom to ask for the next shot... and pals like to see u make a nuisance of urself for at the end of it all u wud pay more... and drink extra... so b the uptight nueve rich diplomatic golden spoon up ur ass prick n do not get friendly...

... Never start of empty stomached... have seen the mighty fall after having a cuple on an empty stomach.. so order a starter... or eat something from the plate of the dude sitting on the table next 2 urs but do not let a drop of alcohol enter ur system with nothing inside...

...Do not let the music determine ur drink... or decide the amount u have so to say... wat i mean is... if u r a floyd fan n the DJ seems to be turning it on playin gilmore after rogers n comf numb after money u dnt hve 2 lose ur head stand up on ur seat n raise a toast to days gone by n then raise nther wen he plays comin back 2 life cuse it oh so very much is the story of ur life... guess wat u r already 2 shots down...n ur guts r cryin...

...never eye a chick u cant lay ur hands on n wait till she leaves... cuse guess wat she aint havin the crap u r gulpin down... n by the time she thinks she has overstayed her welcome u r already stoned enough to see two of her...

...never go out with just a friend,... as in no two people shud sit alone n drink... cuse then u r competitive subconsciously, u wanna see who drinks more n still stands straight, who will have th bragging rights for the night... its no longer a reason 2 celehbrate... its an opportunity 2 decapitate the other mans ego.. so call a third friend... pref a teetotaller n u bth shud take his trip instead...

...never ever... i repeat ever try and outdo wat u once did or even try and come close 2 ur last record... cuse like the egg thats now a chicken u r eating... u 2 have aged n no matter if it was a weak back... back then u were a weak unger... nw u r not in a physical position 2 better that record...

...if during the course of the whole thing u feel that u r not able to hold the glass in a way thats desired or are able to place it back on the table in one go... quit... another drops ur demise... for all drinkers may or may not respect their lives... they respect their glasses... u must pay obscience to it for having brought to ur lips the joy that life so desired...

if u hear urself laughing excessively on a joke u cant understnd or had half heard... or u hear urself singing (which u know u suck at) this is ur last drink... stop... before u stand next 2 the DJ n makin pals wid him... or r sittin on another table n cracking jokes wid people u dont know...

...never mix drinks...

... never spike them...

... never think u can have more...

... never tell urself that u r not drunk...

n last...

... never read wat i typed... cuse a drunk man has no religion... he only has a bottle... n bottles dont type...wat am i sayin this sucks as a bottomline so wait...

n the botomline to it all.. wen u r happy n high... remember never say the truth... just point blank lie...!!!

Pipe dreams...

2008-09-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

Well come to the mother of all blog entries... this one is sure to bring in more hits... set the registers ringing... why would it do that??? It would for its for you... and you... and you as well... and you who is not me... its about the reader rather than the writer... the skimmer the glancer... the bored or occupied soul who spares a minute or two to go through a blog... or an entry... and has no courtsey to speak of to post a comment... butt I am a generous writer, i still applaud you for your interest and the effort you took to click on a link and read, and I thank you for the patience you have seen in going this far. And why may you be exhibiting that, or in saner words, why are you here???
>>Is it cuse I am the next best thing to happen after dylan wrote Like a Rolling stone...
>> Or is it cuse I am the inspiration you seek to go through the monotony of everyday...
>>Or am I the beacon u would like to follow to reach a goal that thus far seemed highly unlikely...
>> Or maybe what I write is a further source to inspire your quill to write tales untold...

( After a very crude and banal analysis of my past writings i am ashamed or rather disturbingly annoyed to state that all the above assumptions are not quite true, for the blog in itself is inept and incapable to bring me to read it)

(The answer thus I believe is indeed blowing in the wind... and some sullen wind that is... The answer is that you are not there... the hits are dwindling... the readers have dissapeared... the writers are dying... and I am not spared... its as if the readers never cared (sob sob...tear tear) I hope this emotional plee brings all you people back to the blog that sets the standards for all the blogs that ever existed... I know you are bored out of your life, I know you are out of things to do... and your washing is done... u have bloated loads after eating... your pet dogs are asleep... movies u have run out of... so come on... click... give moi a hit... for together we can and we will make a difference... )

(hmmm... and then god said lie no more u stinking boar... so heres whats in store... the blogs a bore... same scheme...same lines entry after entry after entry... I mean how could I write that was the first thing i asked... so well in light of the misery that it is... lets pretend the earlier entries never existed...and thus try and give a new meaning to it... a new beginning to it. From now on... I would write what you want me to... if u all say that hey give us a poem... voila next day a poem shall be there... if u want a critical analysis of the western monetary and economic policies, with a harsher crtique of Bush's schemes or somehting well u wud hve it.... this blog is thus christened... blogforlog (log as in people in hindi) )

if u r bored outta ur wits... kindly comment if u r... if u r not... u r more free than i have been...the pipe dreams thus end... thus ends the entry... this ends the hope that this would change...

So far away from me...

2008-09-16T10:23:00.000-07:00

So far away from me...
So far that i just cant see...
I wish you thee...
a life free...

From a distance I see you there...
With no notice no care...
in abyss u stare...
do u even see me standing here...

Out from the sky u peep...
I lie here six feet deep...
and for once you notice the creep...
the me who lost his sleep...

atlast a rendezvous with life..., after death...
u stole my breath...
and now breathless in a wreath...
alas we meet...

the public belch...

2008-09-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

Its inescapable... one time or the other everyone has to or ends up belching in the public... its unintentional... involuntary... in an inebriated or satiated state that you let go... and theres no turning back, the joy of the act is writ large on ur face and u cant deny the satisfaction u get from doin that, its not that u mind it, its just this that its a "taboo"... says who??? Well according to the book on etiquette and public mannerisms belch, fart, nose picking, ear wax removal and/or consumption, open air sneeze, puking etc are all proclaimed offences and any act that minutely represents that is considered objectionable and can lead 2 u being cast an outcast... no matter how much hedonsitic gratification that act might give you, it is nonetheless an offence...
So the obvious question is what to do when such a force of nature (unstoppable one at that) meets an immovable object (society)... do u let go... let ur emotions make the batter (better) of u or do u supress the surreptious desire thats rising like a tempest within u... here are a few tips from experts across the world...
- For a burp...try this yogic excercise turn ur face at an angle of 60 degrees to the crowd... then at 120 degrees than 180... if u r able to do that, u r an owl... owls have been known not 2 belch but hoot... I dont give 2 hoots to the trouble... just hoot your way away...
- Or try this meditation technique:- concentrate on the sweetest memory in ur mind... it could be your first date...or your first alcohol high... and then stay there... when you feel alone... alone in that cocoon let go.. burp loud and hard... if u cant see no one none can see u... :)
- or well stop readin this and go relieve urself in the washroom...

Trimmed along the edges...

2008-09-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

Life can cut u bluntly... and unannounced... a moment u r living easy and chilled and the next u r facing ur worse nightmares... and it comes knocking at ur door step... we all like it easy thus, a chilled smooth around the edge kinda drive, no bumps felt kinds... we desire hedonism, a whiff of fortitude and duress and its all in a mess. But something unsettling is just around the corner always, saw something today that jolted me, made me wanna rethink what i am doing here, living and all, i walked around wearing my heart on my sleeve, telling all that its about making a difference, and yet I am another spoke in this wheel of life, besotted and besetted by the predictable motion of everyday, wheres the me who felt one with the world and had set out to make it a better place. Is the schedule and adherence to the nondescript idiocity of it and being a monetary contributor to the escapist tax payers coffer my share of goodwill i had set out to do??? Am i really at peace with myself, by doing a piecemeal mundanity every day, or is it just a make belief world all togehter??? I might just wake up with a different set of ideals tomorrow, so right now i leave my mind with a thought, will u remember me tomorrow as i am today, or will my memory be a stain thats removed by the worst cleanser ever???
Got back from colombo yesterday, awesome place that is... nice clean, organised, the signals dont quite work as well as they function, there function is to make people aware they exist, and people there are aware that the purpose should be served, also was nice to live for 4 days in the lap of luxury... lurved it... every moment of it in a way... and now its back to the dreaded drool or the office, lesse how that pans out... so till the time i think again... good bye... cheers... and a vague caged remember me by... reality is an illusion thats washed away by the sands of time, dreams none can take away...

Call'em'boo...

2008-09-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

hey well... its finally happened... got 2 step outta india... and colombo of all the places... the last time i did actually put a step out it was standin on the wagah border i dared 2 step into pakistan... and now this... the place... well chuck that, its no different then chennai... tams arnd... the oceans wat draws me here... its amazing... having seen the bay and the sea... the ocean was the pull... sittin on the waterfront... absorbin the enormity of the ocean itself made the trip worth it... humid n sultry it was i drenched shit loads but the roaring waves and the silence before they crashed made it all up... and all this happened a cuple of days ago, since then havnt had a chance 2 step outta here... works keepin me busy, though have recieved a doze of the culture here... some dances etc... but no substitute for a feet on street. Lesse wen that happens... and yeah saw a budhist temple, but wat followed killed the whole experience... it was an indian recievin a taste of his own medicine... the cows came home.. the fat lady sang and i had 2 pay thru the nose... butt all swells wen the pockets well... so well managed the mishap on companies expense...
Saw a komodo dragon or a croc... no cage nothing seperating...chanced upon tht... pretty thrillin tht was 2... and well 2 cut a long story short... 2 days 2 go... lesse wat brews...

misdirected...

2008-09-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

I love getting lost... turning into turns i have never taken... goin by some weird logic to try and reach me destination... musics my all time companion, and rarely do i have to resort 2 the radio for it, have an all time fav mp3 tht does the trick... i dream of holidays to the land untouched, where no humans set foot, naa they aint no adventure laden outbounds i crave for, its a soul searching experience, away from the razmatazz... the klitch and the klass... just me and my back pack, and coming back afresh, purged... but i plan alot... i am mr plan a lot... these plans may or may not see the light of the day, and even if they do, they may or may not lead me 2 where i wanna be...
lost in wanderlust... limited budget going bust... hitchiking to a nowhere land... ragged clothes...guitar in hand... stopping for some shade... some trick life played... the shades lasted longer... the hedonism grows stronger.. i stay in my delerious state... a white collared nobody for life.. thats fate... got misdirected on some turn it seems... or maybe got wasted 2 bad in one of my dreams... a new frontier i cud have created... a burning man or some movement reinstated... but alas i fill some sheets with numbers and crunch them to show results... where i cud have been i some country side hurling insults... i live by every day dreaming to live... this misdirection i wnt forgive... for it hurts 2 much to be a speck o dust.. and seeing it al goin bust... when i cud've been a hurricane... cant seem wash this stain...

freeword...

2008-08-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

We are a socialist secular democratic republic has been reworded to.. we are a content... aimless... loathed... sham... for we have lost the real significance of being way back... maybe there was some error in the way patel sire divided the states, or maybe autonomy is a concept misunderstood, but when we look within its pretty much noticeable that we might be winning some stray wars but we are losing the battle as a whole...
The east could be a country in itself... with mamta (am unsure of who i am but am sure i wanna stop bengal from running) bannerjee as their aung yang... and then kashmir with its separatists and parallelists and unsurists forming 3 separate countries... gujrat and modi forming a hindu nation with some defactors from the thackeray end... and then there wud b the southies,... who wnt live together i can guarantee... for they wont share water food or air amongst each other...
and yet we have scribes writing tales about a glorified india with 3 medals thaat... and celebrations on winnin one where a gold shud hve been par for the course... so are we content with the sheer nothingness of the multitude of efforts we put in... for how long wud we cry about how deplorable it all is right when the fat lady is clearing her throat to let lose??? why should conditions not be made right when it counts???
why should so for that matter be delhi allowed to crawl to work and back??? when we have potholes to drive our cars through... and why not sleep on the sidewalk and be crushed by a beamer or a bentley if u r looking at an aristocratic death... n have ur soul wait for justice while the system is bought over by the flying angel atop the phantom someone drove...
or well why not try and set up a plant or a dam that can shape a states future and have some nature freak or a political mileage seeker come along and shit all over ur front yard and u still being left with the task of cleaning up...
and well u cud just burn the poster of the movie playin near ur place be it Casper the friendly ghost and claim that the portrayal of a ghost is demeaning to ur religious beliefs....
somehow calvins world of imagination and freeword is better... and i wud rather be living in it... then trying to manage out here... hey watterson...cud u like rename the strip call calvin seth n be done with it...

moved by a movie..

2008-08-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

Saw shawshank redemption for the nth time... knew the dialogues by heart... even the opera piece by the french ladies... but still cudnt peal myself away from it... i donno why but i can watch it right now again... was just wondering wat makes it that special, is it for the reason that andy wud crawl out at the end through shit (literally and otherwise) and be free... or cuse it will rekindle lost hope... or cuse red redding will narrate a tale in a way that aint been done or wud happen ever ( n amitabhs bachpan has lost the last shred of respect for he dared doin the bruce almighty god role n has tried 2 do the freeman act far 2 many times, dude u may b good, but ur voice n narrative can never come close)... i just cant figure out, but i hope the pacific is as blue as have seen it in my dreams... the blue sea calls me 2... i was never a sea person or the beach boy... i loved the mountains, still do, but the three months in chennai n the goa things changed that, though a visit to the beach leaves u smelling like fish, but being there, the silence and the solitude the enormity of the sea gives u is tremendous...

Ek peg hor...

2008-07-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

We at drinking anonymous believe that an addition or deletion (which is impossible to do) to the amount you already have in your system shall in no way invigorate or exacerbate your current state of being, for you are in the words of the great Confucius 'Stoned' or as he put it 'Stooooonedaaaa' and that merely means that you are basically a muse for the bar tender, who is giving you shot glasses full of sparkling water, and a bigger muse for the DJ who is laughing his ass off as you proclaim your true love to music, whereas he knows fully well you wont miss a chance to jump on the next girl who passes by, sadly though u have guys aka 'Stags' (thats like the word that will keep u out of the shadiest of places on a weekend) for company.
An even bigger stock o' laughter (and a sinister one at that) u r for all the 'Couples' who waltz by, them laughing in muffled tones over your brotherhood (there cant be a more corny word for it), seeing you all swear it out loud, the bouncer (why do they call them that??? do they bounce u out??? or is it that there huge bulk shall make them bounce???) towering over u, and u resorting to headbang your way into a neck sprain. But they are not happy within, the guy is remniscing of his days of freedom, n the girl (this is an assumption) wondering what it will be like to party with headbanging moronic buch of loosers wud b like???
And then it dawns over you, all of this is unreal, the music the laughter the cynical jibes, the toothless argumentative deliberations by the ones in the distance making out with eyes transfixed at your displays of unbashed freedom. What matters what calls this whole place to disorder and blows it to smithriens is the fact that you represent more then a bunch of guys partying, you represent freedom, freedom from the crutches of ineptitude displayed at work, or the momentary lapse in love you suffered, or from the freak of nature who just did dum u, u represent an aimless youth who could be puking on your table right now, laugh over it and not give a flying fuck to anything... u my friend are utopia, and nothing can take it away from u, not a peg more or less can change you, for u r delerium itself... and i am way 2 jagged 2 write... n high not on alchohol but on a spirit far more sinister...

Catapulted... into delerium...

2008-07-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

I walk unsure... i tread with no caution
feet struggling to find the ground... head buzzing
I glugged a lot... usually do... nothing new
but then someone came and added a few
lines... a few breaths of delerium... saw me flying
I feel like dying... i wish i bled
lord kill me before am dead
the eyes seem a darker shade of crimson today... the skin...
a paler shade of white...akin...
to a somber summers day...
sun burning...life retreating... feet not sure where to head today...
i like blowing smoke rings... cant quite...
get the touch right...
or maybe its too messed up in the head...
am headed where feet are led...
and to where i dont know... the cliff that seemed to far...
am i following a star... or is my mind still at war..
with my body for i feel like diving...
off this thing and not surviving...
ahh miasma...delerium... unsure i stand on the thores...
of hell and life... on the shores...
of nothingness... entrapped unsure... free..
i let this one be...
no longer at the shore...
now u see me no more...
gone beyond the border where life meets retreat...
in hell... i am... dragged behind my feet...

The jokes on me buddy...

2008-07-13T10:00:00.001-07:00

Staring down the gallows... my neck in the noose...
I feel like tappin... feeling foot loose...
Oh boy who plays that music that distant sound...
Shit i forgot am on shaky ground...
A step going wrong and its heaven forbid...
Or hell cuse they count the shit u did...
So what do i do.. do i dance and die...
Or do i let it be... and say good bye...
Oh what the hell i am dead any ways...
Dance or stand its end of days...
But why am i here what brings the end near...
So i got a tale would u wanna hear...

yeah rite shut them tight those ears u got...
for boy i got balls n u do not...
my mistake my error my folly is this...
that i always end up like this..
between the devil and the deep blue sea...
and then the gallows too come calling on me...
and i chose to die every single time sun would rise...
hell this time too it aint no surprise...
that dance has to die... in the watery grave...
And naah theres no last kiss or nothing i shall save...
all i'll ask is for the grave digger to dig this un shallow...
fell the rain... not the gallow...
and then again theres a story 2 study..
but welll the jokes on me buddy....

random killings of a blog on a midsummer night...

2008-07-01T11:15:00.001-07:00

Some sleight of hand... and some mere twist of fate brings me here... i donno how to put it... i donno how u might take it... and i dong really know whether to actually go ahead and say it or not... but yeah its true... its for real... and blame it on balmy faith... or blame it on life itself... but we are where we are... we live the way we do... so distant and disjoint from each other and so very sure we are of lives we lead and of this that in no way or in for no reason will lives be intertwined and meshed up ever by any freak of nature or man... we shall continue to remain disjoint and dissacosiated for echleons to come... and am i supposed to argue or am i supposed to type in the winsome and confusing hi every single day knowing very well that the response shall never be forthcoming... not in this life... for in this life i aint endowed with perfection as we know it... so well lets leave it at that... or rahter park the issue for the moment...
the bone of contention is a what if... what if lives were to not merely exchange glances... but rather there is a bigger deeper more planned interconnect somewhere not 2 far away... or maybe its just me dreaming away hoping against hope though so sure that there is nothing coming out of this sortee i am flying...i might as well radio in a may day... and crash land or chute out while the flights in the air... for its always 2 late for me... theres always a tomorrow to look upto... a yesterday to forget...a today to mess up... so maybe i will rather fcuk up my case 2day... and let your memoirs be yesterday once more... and may i just not only sleep when i close my eyes... i wake up anew afresh alive...

reality no???

2008-07-01T10:09:00.001-07:00

Boy oh boy... do we have a slew of reality shows or what...the influx from the holy states is kinda depressingly refreshingly idiotic... and we have people turning out in hordes to bow in respect and go bonkers over them... it all started when amitabh bhai took people up the societal ladder by askin no more then 10 questions and today it reached the apogee... a score of 20 somethings fighting it out purrrfect bitchy cat style over 20 something wannabees... and us all at home laughing our asses off over the sheer dumbness and idiocity of the stuff they say... englsih so sinly revered by wren and martin blown to tatters by these damsels who rather be uttering the profanities in aamchi mumbaiyaa maan kee hindi or punjabii... them being forced to swear in a language they are rather 2 gauche at...
and then u have the crooners... the dancers... the comic acts... all baring their soul and life in front of a partisan unquestioning polarised crippled in the head crowd...and some judges who wake up with a script in hand of the fights they have to ensure... and the best of the lot are the ones who judge ur singing talent... singers n especially those of repute r good sitting where they r... but u hve music directors who put eric clapton and roger waters together to make it work in some hindi song judging u... or better still u wud have some actor who last sang in a washroom... n then u see the same guy judging a dance show with his own moves choreographed by someone...
where am i getting at??? nowhere... i wish they played splitsvilla all day long i wud tape it all show these chicks what they were talking about when they r 60 somthing and also their kids kids this is what ur granny was like... a PMS'd something with a lose lashing tongue... boy i hate em... i hate these shows... i feel like smashing the tube... or rather turning to floyd for help..

world as we blow it...

2008-06-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

Unrest defines me... am at unrest with myself and everything around me (i just mis-spelt myself as myelf.. :D ) and that is not what this is about... unrest is passe now... the blowing up bit is in... i am blowing my life up into smithereens everyday... and i love it... and this is ending up being the same taddle tale... so heres something new...
Bliss:
Waking upto the smell of freshly brewed coffee with floyd playing somewhere far away the sound so distant and mystic that u left wondering which song it is...
Happyness:
Hanging out with your friends at whatever and whenver possible and chugging beer till u drop dead....
Evil:
Devising new and improved plans on how to kill your boss,... saw hulk this weekend... and the hulk smash is numero uno...
Dark...
Putting urself into situations u can writhe outta by killing some joy outta ur life...
Misery...
Having a predominant presence of the words infactuation and unrequited in ur life and the 2 words end up being used in the same breath...
Relaxed...
Slouched in a bean bag...breeze blowing... having ur fav book coverin ur face n u asleep with no care for the world...
Indifferent...
Having the one u like the most run over u n not give a rats ass to the feeling or the situation and then drinking the entire thing down...
Creepy...
Waking up at 3 am only 2 realise its 4 already...
Awesome...
Having an alibi and that 2 an acceptable one for every sick ass punked up fuck up u do... :D
and thts about it for nw...

turning 2 fly...

2008-06-05T11:42:00.001-07:00

I flew... flew high... tuched the sky...
got a little hazy... stuff seemed crazy...
eyes swelled wet... some stranger i met...
it all seemed right... staying outta sight...
the heart still yearned... the feeling burned...
i punctured a cloud... the sky pored...
feeling bored...maybe defeated... the whole act got repeated... bugged some soul... made it whine... retaliation in order... some mental disorder... and its over again... though it left a stain... a smudge that shows... the cool wind blows... i decide to descend... rain pelts... wax wing melts... it aint icarus's tail... where mind did fail... its a planned demise... thus not a surprise...

forking away... picking a leaf... moving on...

2008-05-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

Well friends come and go... the real ones you stick onto... and reality is a deferred illusion... u realise what real is once its past... i somehow hate it for a fact that i am awake at 1:30 am... writing some trash again... but well... the weathers awesome.. rain seems to be pelting my window begging me to stand outside and i do... getting wet is an awesome feel... even if its standing on the parapet of your third floor house knowing well that a slip would mean shitloads of trouble for those around... and it wont matter to you at all he he he... but then again one needs a clear head... to write and express stuff... when all you got inside are thoughts occupying a mind besieged and beguiled by so much randomness that the whole effort of making sense is absolutely futile...
I guess I lost the whole sense of happiness in its truest form a while back... and as someone said... misery brings the best outta us... i think i fell in love with it... and now picking a leaf from tikku's way of putting things while blogging... as S said... theres nothing wrong or right about trying to make things work... what matters more is do they or dont they.... I always hoped they would... they never did never would i hope i continue to rue the fact that they dont...for then only can i wake up at 1 in the night and think things through...
Freindship aint something i swear by... i mean within a couple of days it will be legal for me 2 touch booze in delhi and within half an year or so my friends shall be stepping into a world where calling them for booze is outta question... so i guess i am reconciling with the fact that for 2 years i shall be getting smashed alone... though theres an upside to it... i will foot my own bill.. :D....
and again taking a cue outta tikkus blog...some people have definite strands of difference hanging outta the bow tie they wear every day... they are so new i feel like puking my guts out... for i dont mind change... as long as its good... but as soon as someone changes and the change aint for the greater common good... but rather a self sufficing fallacy of promises and buttressing someone to get stuff goin... it makes me wanna give up my MBA and think of joining something that shal atleast guarantee world peace...
now this goes to X and double a... i donno how many times i have said this... but why would someone break someones heart when the person dont have the courage to do it... so well... since none of them got the courage to shit over it all.. i will say try make some castles in the air outta it... put up in them... and rent me a place outta it for its been a while since i dreamt lucid...
so where does it put me now... it puts me right where i belong... on the fork... sure as hell this will end... sure as hell tomorrow when i wake up all the thoughts of F shall be gone and as X put it... forget her seth... forget her... so well..
heres to forgive and forget...
to all the strangers i met...
to the lies i lied...
to the times i tried...
to the dangling conversations...
to the uneneding chatless frustrations...
to tonight tomorrow and what remains..
to the heartache and pains...
to being and being played a fool...
to the fact... tht i aint cool!!! :)

signing off...
hellraiser....!!!

midnights child run...

2008-05-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

wever... inconsequential and insipid this life is... every night i lie down hoping i can escape this one feeling this one needless emotion deep down inside... as my flatmate gets off the phone and so does another friend of mine who has come over... i stare at my cell... hoping it will ring... for i too wont ming feeling miserable for once... for it sure will lighten up the way i am... for it will ring in something afresh... but alas... its me and my lap top... and the idiot box and that one hour at the Gym... and then it back to waiting for delirium... yess i am kinda loony admitting the fact that i am gripped by loneliness... but who the hell gives a fuck to this blog here... i mean the last person to check this one was me and so was the one before and one before that... so well i'll say save tonight... by the time am high bring on tomorrow... for today brings sorrow save tonight...
and then floyd... floyds the pole star the guiding light to me... and wish u were here and comf numb bring respite and great gig settles it all.. so so u think u can tell... well butttttt iiiiiiiiii hve become comfortably numb... and tomorrow i wont wake up... i dont wanna wake up... i see no point on going through this any more...but before i go...let me make my final stand... hmmm chuck it... adios...

sick and counting...

2008-05-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

the sad part was she knew it...
but when its getting done with u dont care shit...
she knew i cudnt say it seeing her in the eyes...
that i would end up making up lies...
or reasons sad as they were, to avoid...
the talk of the thing the "void"...
so i left a note... with my usual ps to conclude...
and did post it with regards so as to not sound rude...

and imagined then what it would be like there...
hell when its over you dont care....
but still would she shed a tear...
or wud she simply tear....
and call it a day...celebrate...
did she say wait or hate...
its over right why this thought...
theres better stuff to think about aint it not...

did i stick a stamp or would she have to pay...
man i posted the thing on a sunday....
and she wont like paying the postman the dime or nickel...
these things made her rather fickle...
shud have called and done it u might be sayin...
then the breakdown at the other end wud men am stayin...
but wud she have broken down and cried...
or wud those drops have lied....
what the hell... its over i snapped it... its done...
but then again a replacement needed.. neone???

to freethinking and friends... meaningless idiosyncracises...

2008-05-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

there are times when things go nowhere, when all your best laid plans hit a wall... and u urself are trying to scale one. There are days when you wake ip feeling, so very good about life, you know its perfect, you have that feeling deep down inside that it will all turn around today... and the dawn dawns upon with the same monotony as yesterday had ended, ur eyes weary feet feet following the same course home, mind not too sure, whether it was in the stars or did u miscalculate something or maybe it was just the way the cookie did crumble, but here u r back again... ending today, no mood to see tomorrow, somehow every night i sleep i wish i woke up in goa, strange but true, not that i havent vacationed before, but there was something so incendiary and so cataclysmic about it, about that place, i dint for once dint wanna be anyplace else, mind dint wander, i slept sans a dream, woke up sans a regret, save for one tinsel tricky moment, it was all sane, i knew in my heart of hearts, noplace and nowhere else shall i be this way, i was deprived of thoughts, of wanderings... and i dint wanna think as well... free of thinking i was... and friends, new ones at that and people who take ages to know u were there... so were those whom u have known for ages... and i knew i cud lean and support... and i knew the reason and the purport... the tenor... of being there of getting wet in the rain, of getting sloshed and walking barefoot, of driving on those winding roads... teared eyes... flushing away a century... and then soaring above (for a brief instant though) and seeing it from up there... wishing the cord will come undone and i wud fall free... then sitting in the middle of the sea... hoping the sun wont set... and if it does i dont have to row back... for i was alone (in my head) and i dint wanna think... for when i think things go awry... for me freethinking is rather free from thinking then thinking freely or whatever the anarchists would put it as...

Setting the right KRA and driving through hell…

2008-04-29T00:20:00.001-07:00

Driving on Delhi roads is a nightmare, you need sharp reflexes, sharp senses auditory and visual, a loud horn and the loudest swear to get by, and if you aint got all that, u better be a blue line bus driver, for they are the self anointed kings of the road, they make no rules and they have made their bones as godfather would have put it. They command a respect that they have earned, earned by being the terror on the road, their kill count will put all war movies to shame, if a hummer were to bow down to something it would be a blue line. And negotiating the roads and the terrors that accompany driving gets tougher once you have a KRA to worry about, a KRA for the uninitiated stands for Key Result Area/Areas, and basically its hogwash, and some MBA grad in some not too distant a past would have coined this to get by.
Hers how it works, when you begin the year, you start off by setting what you think you would achieve, knowing very well that whatever you are writing down may not be what you are currently doing or end up doing, a KRA follows a cascading approach and what that means is that a purview of what you do is an offshoot of what your boss is doing, so if he wants to kill somebody, ur KRA is a something that contributes to the whole cause, so urs would be, supplied the knife/gun etc (if its self initiative thing)… or contacted the supplier that will do that (if its for external customer)… or negotiated the price (if its financials) and so on. Thus its all subject to the stuff that someone else is doing, even if in the entire thing u dint wanna play a part, but the perf linked incentive thing stipulates that for the employee to be eligible he must have actively participated in the cause and for exceeding the 100% amount you need to do beyond so if u like slashed the throat boy u r in for a raise.
So here I was driving to office in the morning and behind me I hear the loudest and the most irritating belch of a horn I have heard ever, and I glanced up and through the corner of my eye I saw a monster of a bus inches from my car, and I was confused, what would his KRA be, the drivers I mean, mow someone down? Sever some limbs? Crush a kid? Or is their a ticking time-bomb Speed style, the moment his speedo dips below 60 some poor soul dies!!! Another belch from the bus and I snap back to reality, and there’s a fork on the road, which way do I turn to avoid being chased?? I look in the rear, no indicator from him, come on dude for once let it be known to the world where you headed. So I do the surd trick, indicate am turning left and turn right, and the bus I see drifting away, I thus live to see another day, and having taken the wrong turn I might just be late to office, but at-least I will reach, atleast I will be able to fill some goddam KRA form, atleast I will be able to get rated for my PLI having cheated death, atleast I escaped the killers killing bid, atleast now I will be able to sip and say “ heres looking at you kid”!!!

Curse of being an MBA

2008-04-23T23:58:00.001-07:00

Red Sox suffered from the curse of the bambino... babe ruth left them for the yankees and so did luck... they dint win a major league title for a while...I turned a corner entered a B school did an uncharestrically event filled and education and knowledge less MBA and since then... there have been made some certain remarks over the fact that i am an MBA, the nature of these remarks borders on my inablility to come to the conclusion at the very instant and rather my nature of circumfrencing offloading what i know and deem important and then coming out with the answer, and the same is independent of me being an MBA or not... Thats the way i am... i love 2 talk contingent on the other persons mood... and how interesting the whole thing is... and i dont mind someone telling me that he/she dont wanna talk... so well here it is goin out 2 all of u... well if u dnt wanna talk fuckin lemme knw... i aint making a hue n cry about it... and the fact that i try and help... well thats again the way i am... i dont know how 2 say no... never have... never can... call it my curse...and this 2 is independent of me being an MBA... I think i can help whatever the situation maybe... even if it means goin beyond my means... cuse i cant goddam help it... if the attempt was no good... i wud appreciate if I was told abt it... and me and my being an MBA (which trust me is the most illogically acquired and desired qualifications and i aint flyin for i got it... i rather do away with it) has got nothing to do with my inability to help u ... so the next time u ask me a favor be sure i wud try... but if i aint able 2 do it... u r more then welcome 2 curse n cuss in my face... n not behind me back... cuse well i dnt quite appreciate that... donno why but i dont... n yes... red sox aint got nthing 2 do with this... the fact is... Lou Gehrig was the greatest player to have played MLB...

the last new frontier...

2008-04-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

Read this someplace once... a new frontier is a place where people would rush to from the cities... someplace far... and sit together sing... dance... and ultimately sick and tired of the city lives they end up livin there... and since it was a new establishment it would be called a new frontier. It was an expression of disgust and a new found freedom, it meant being one with the world yet so far and distant, accepting life is different from what it was, yet an attempt at living it on terms not chosen by the world around, it represented a new world a chance a hope a belief in life... but then there was none... then there were big cities and big towns... people who had had enough of the lifestyle of a peasant and the pauper decided things should change a little... and in came the telegraph... the radio... the tv... and stuff they were running from stuff that was the undoing of it all in the first place.
and then there was none... no new frontier just a town away from town... just a bunch of locals deciding to start a new township down the road.. and why am i writing about this... whats this gotto do with me... well everyday i move some distance away from where i am now... i move a little down the road... running from what i am... i park my ass there singing songs... sitting by the fire... and sure that this is it...this is what life is meant to be... peaceful calm and quite... and then far away in the distance a course of change is plotted... the reason for the change in Christmas past is spotted... and then there is this one minuscule difference made knowing very well that the rut never shall stop and then its time to run again... its time to let go of the wreck i make of the place i take... and here i am again 2day... running...running from yesterdays mess... for tomorrows god bless... for the day gone by is the day that will bring tomorrow... and i will be running just the same... Tomorrow and never... gone overboard...

for the chalice... with no malice... with no intention was written and shud b read... bears no resemblence to neone living or dead... :D

2008-04-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

seeing you there i know what u feel...
u hope it wasnt real...
that i was a ghost...
not the one u toast..
as u raise ur glass and tip ur head..
i hear u wish i was dead...
for i am the one link...
u did never think...
wud exist... wud sruvive...
wud still be alive...
but here i am here again...
naa this aint no blood stain...
n naah i dont remember singing in the rain...
n no i dont show any pain...

n u know why... why i smile...
or think i do all this while...
for i know its not u... n i know u aint there...
and i know for i can no longer stare...
through these rosy glares...
n i know nobody cares...
neither do i nor do u...
never had a chance i never blew...
closure we call it... disclosure i got...
hurt more than i thot...
so heres me standing alone...
looking in the glass turning to stone...
raising a glass tip my head back a slash is all it takes...
no tourniquet at hand no one can see...
the end of a useless dream the end of me...
and yet i raise this one last toast this one last shot...
just the end i had sought...
and with this the ones last goodbye i bid...
so heres looking at u kid...

ummm... 2 coffee and insomnia... and the guilt trip...

2008-04-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Memoirs of a troubadour circa april 2008, time somewhere past midnight... reason for the scribble... just a queasy quibble... and a nibble... and a jibe... some diatribe... some soul affecting some other... some who cares no to bother... and some who never cared anyway... and yet i wait for the day...

keep staring into the mirror of today to look at a tomorrow... but then again we fish into the past to pick up the pieces we hold so dear.. and yet we make a hue and cry about how goddam insane we were... we all got cock and bull stories about the way things should have been... yet we are out chasing bulls to make them worse... and wy... cuse its human nature baby... we all wonder around this desert 2 follow the path to an oasis that does not exist... we all are here to make things better for others and then our own lives too shall be impacted u see... carpe diem mate... use carte blanche instead... utter freedom... every man for himself... but yet this innocuous soul gets up and decides to lend a helping hand and why... why is he different... why did he promise what he did... why does he always promise the world to everyone... and yet end up making ends meet whrereas he knows the an attempt at invigoration leads to exacerbation... standing on the turning away... fork in the road... which way to go... be the same... or change... change was never his cuppa tea... cribby crappy he is snappy... so he decides the way fate lies... cuse it lies... it always does... where does that lead him then... to the abyss or the bliss... or maybe he never was... all he did do was try 2 make it all come to some possible conjuncture where the world would be a better place to live in for u... and u... and u all... then again maybe... he belonged on a stairway 2 heaven on a highway 2 hell... oh what the heck... so here's looking at you kid!!!

coming back to life and my love for floyd...

2008-04-15T21:33:00.001-07:00

Well people charecterise this as the redeption song... the one for the broken hearted... the song that cheers you up... well i have been through that phase... and this song gave a kick... the dark gloomy sundays were filled with this one played on a loop till people around me got goddam bored and made me change this... and it would have continued had i not realised the part reason for it... its not redeeming ur soul entrenched in unrequited or crushed love its gillmore singing to waters 2 get the group together... n that... felt gay...but that is still no deterrent to me going all chords up wen this one plays... i still manage singing this one... though the floyd mania or the floydism in me is more insistant on listening to other stuff... though contemporary and the more talked about songs usually make it to my list... the likes of Comf numb... Wish u were here... time... money... breathe... us n them... shine... etc... but i do end up listenin marooned... fletcher memorial etc as well... whats so binding about floyd can be best understood by hearing great gig in the sky... the way the voice of the three females (torry etc) echoes in the head... n the line " And I am not frightened of dying. Any time will do; I don't mind. Why should I be frightened of dying? There's no reason for it—you've gotta go sometime" sums it all up... binds u... u rise and fall with the undulations in the voice u hear... and finally u r sucked out and redone... i donno whether everyone goes through the same thing or not.... but instead of coming back... this is my redemption song... :D

Start afresh

2008-04-15T00:24:00.000-07:00

And why this third foray into blogging... do i desire to be third time lucky... getting innundated with comments that border on proposals for courtships... or getting rave reviews from fellow nothingers who are more interested in letting the world know of how they feel about stuff inside their head and outside... is it choice or compulsion... is this desire or just a self satisfying urge to take whats inside out on the world and then having some soul read how u feel about him/her and feel either elevated (chances less though) or despondent (chances much less)... but i aint the kind who takes names am i... i just am like a second person shooter... who quips and trips accross situations and people... and ends up quoting nothing and no-one... maybe in the end its just the way i am... emotionally drenched and drained... and unstable above the shoulders... for i aint quite able 2 figure out where my heads at... all i do know... is that i wish u were here... for i feel i have been set adrift on a moment bliss... and time bears a testimony to how i have turned comfortably numb... fuck this sucks... crappycribby is back... chuck it... write something new dude... (see i comment on stuff myself...maybe i am my worst critic)