end of an era...

tonight... its not about the departed... the ones who farted.. the ones who lived/died... the moments that lied... its about the song that dont remain... the same and it does pain... to know tomorrow the black heart sun... will no longer know the one... who once was the one within and not without... the end of an era beyond the shadow of a doubt... :(

Life has flipped, tripped and fallen I have in an abyss, and nope it aint sadness/grief/remorse that has befallen my pedantic state.. its just that things have changed and people around me have changed to and they changed far too much for me to catch up...
does it matter? its a pertinent question for what has befallen is not a recondite, and infallible yet reprehensible memory that i cant repress... its just that the ones close 2 me are far away... and yet i feel i could be the one responsible... but yet i could be the one without... so what am i losing out on? Company? Gossip? A chance to network? Naah.. am losing on a brady bunch i called my own... people have moved... there have been weddings/departures changes... some elevated to thrones they dont look down from some fallen far 2 deep in the crests of failures they cant look up from... so is my failure reproaching me from approaching the ones i trusted?
OR is it just a mere coincidence that my moments of fortitude and goodwill amongst those i loved was just a mere coincidental fallacy that was so well amalgamated with my will to be happy... and now that sadness has engulfed my being, i find myself alone... and not so sure whether my happiness was but a dream or just a mere conjured image of a happy me that will never be... or are these just emotions than any drunk unsure soul shall be filled with when not called/waited/fed... or are these unfulfilled desires to be the part of whats lost? I do feel lost somewhat... but tomorrow the rum wont remain and the gumm within shall disappear...

dont drink and drive...

Its an inglorious adventure... a fools errand... an attempt at the impossible... I ahve been foolhardy forthright... i have tried all in my might... but you, you are but a statuette... cast in shimmering gold... ur heart not be beseeched by all i have unerringly told... my life is incomplete... a sonnet that has no verse... a misty mighty pause... yet I know... I know that its an uncouthed yearning for an unviable end... its a heart that beats a bit 2 fast... knowing the moment wont last... knowing that the few moments spent with you shall have to last a life for you got no time for a no good nobody that I am... just a blur in your everyday... a speck in the dust you wipe of your feet... but here i am writng what was to be a prose is yet not a poem wnt be nothing more than a tore down unseen unread attempt at finding meaning of my ever non existant meaningless life... i still search for your presence in my dreams, not that i don’t dream of you but yet there are dreams in which I am dying you see... and i wish to see you sitting next 2 me... but I have to incept what fails to exist... for i am a dreamer and as i am writing this from me 2 u i know this will never reach its end or to the person its intended for... i know no reason as to why you should or I can have you read it out... but yet i go on in the middle of the night harping away on a notion a whim and a fancy... hoping you notice I am awake...

good evenin.. n good night...

with the end of dawn and break of light... with a heave and a ho and a last fight...

a drink and 2... and a shot for me and u...

and u go tipsy and I cant feel my feet... and then we donno where the cars down the street...

and i cant drive neither can u... hell theres so much we ought not 2 do...

but u temme its good and drunks just a state... getting homes urgent we're getting late...

so i try the ignition hell i cant get the door... u slide on the seat i can hear u snore...

damn this road homes a bit 2 far... i cant feel my hands let alone the car...

next to the car is a tree... and u aint next 2 me...

for the windshield did shatter... when u fell in a clatter...

on the road no less... ur brains in a mess...

splattered on the road it lies... i cant hear my own cries...

cant feel my legs or my hands... halted next to the tree the car stands...

i can see me too... I sit where I should next to you...

slouched on the steering in red and grey... not the ideal end to a perfect day...

ur brains a mess and my red drips on by... just the way we wanted... together we die...

and just a drink that dint end up right... heres wishing u good evening and good night..

13 hours...

It was 13 hours later that he realized the difference a boundary can make, it took him 13 long agonizing hours to surmise why the sun wasnt there... in all but 13 hours life took a new turn... a new beginning was ushered in from a door that was left slightly ajar, only for the air to flow in so that he could breathe once in a while... but then again, opportunities do seek you at times, mishaps seek appointments and keep them, this was one of those times, when the deprived and maligned nothing of a soul was to be wrenched of the last iota of ether inside would be squeezed out. And yet he smiled knowing that the desiccation and destruction is nothing but his own doing, he knew it was coming he was just 13 hours late thats all...

And then tuesday was gone... with the wind, ridin with the wild horses, up a stairway to heaven, with the sky turning yellow... and he stood there... comfortably numb...

ibid: he was a dreamer... who dreamt on too long... and he knew u shud never love a song... for the transience of words hurt you too bad... they leave u trying to grip/what you never had...

the truths heard and am on my way...

stand outside theres one thing left to say...

then again...some other day... some other day...

cuse tonight... aint about the hand that rocks...

its the glass that talks...

the lights goin...n so do u... go away...

my whites dying... i turn to grey...

but then again... i see u fading...

anticipating...

u'll go away... away.. into the night...

fading light...

i walk tonight... alone again... just a glass in hand...

alone i stand...

it never was that u were here anyway.....

so why the helll... wud u even... staaaay!!!!

so as i sing the bar does close the last order he says...

does he know deep inside theres a soul that prays...

act is done... jester stops

gibberish... iltutmish... chinar... qutub minar...

One cant help but compare... au contraire one has to compare... for ur fallacies and mistakes and the comparisons with absolute perfections is whats supposed to bring you up...that is what is supposed to egg you on... I used to rhyme it all once upon a time... this was my way of filling in the void left by my not so perfect schooling. I aint a convent educated someone who can be verbose at the drop of a hat and end up speaking at hours together in a language that has been by far alien to me for long... so i would add my own lines to fill in the gaps left by my inadequacy of words... words that were always around somewhere... lines that made the person sitting in front wonder is he making sense? hence... the comeuppance... today I am no longer the rhymer i once was... i am back to my stammering self... unsure to say the least at times... and whats brought this along? absent song... absent words... absence fills to much of my everyday now... I wish I would do something about it... I wish there was no crossroads... I wish there was just a fork in the road and I knew which road to take... I wish I was walking not crawling... running not falling... stymied and confused I stare at what life has thrown... the problems unknown, uncouth is my mere attempt at it... and I will not make it through... and that aint new... I think that is whats in store... so I would pie some more...

pie some more...

Why dont blog write on their own... why do I have to take the trouble of filling pages with diatribe that is far too non consequential for the world to pay any heed to. And mind you all that I am writing bears no significance to any individual or occurrence, and if it so happens that it does, in that case it is merely the writers attempt at obviating the realism in life itself.

Not so long ago I was alive, not so long ago I used to dream, not so long ago I used to write, not so long ago I wasn't employed. And now that I am, my creativity is best expressed in the not so often contrite abuses I pile upon my boss/co-workers/partners, the choicest of words and expressions usually best put in hindi or my mother tongue punjabi fills up my creative void. And that seems to be the order of the day for most of those around, and it so seemed till I came across you, you you you, you fill me with the will to express be more than what I am. The mere smile you so seldom chose to smile upon us mortals gives me strength to go on, to drag my ass to office, to make each day worth living. And yet you are so so far away from me, the mere mention of your name makes me long for u, makes me wish you were around. And then not so far away I have this ridiculous piece of shit barfing in my face, taking my thoughts to a new parallel, but yet I long to see you again.

What is passion, I have this friend who has discovered what we call a "Calling" in life, (well why beat around the bush), Saahil happens to now know what he always was searching for. TFI it seems is the answer to all he was searching for, ubiquity, balance, goal, a reason... there is something besides tix that brings a smile to his face. Call it fate by design or chance, but one thing leading to another has seen him land up with TFI. Rest is fait accompli, every sentence he speaks, every conversation we have is laced with teachings, with innuendos, even the anecdotes revolve around his experiences... he does not now look at the world the way we see it... or maybe I am just exaggerating, but things have changed in his neck of the woods.

But still what is passion, and where does my calling lie? Does it lie in a simple piece of pie? The pie I so sinfully washed down my throat with a coffee? Or does it lie in the coffee the innumerable cups of which I have gulped down everyday? The answer is far too confusing than the question was... for the answer aint just blowing in the wind anymore, it aint in the fast fast fast river (this is an innuendo that seems far too out of place but what the heck who is reading this anyway), the answer is an arcane quest, it would someday become a series of blog entries that might just result in a ridiculous book I might just publish and rake in some dough. Some chick once told me that I was too good with questions but I aint no good at answering them myself, well part of it is true and which one I now know.

U know what, someday I would do the moonwalk, play next to (or in a more sophisticated undertone "jam with") eric clapton and mark knopfler, learn to get over stuff, die on my 50th birthday, write a book, give up on coffee... see you smile... till that day... never say forever again...